Grow From Relationship Experiences

A breakup may not be fun, but don't let that stop you from dating.  Every relationship you become involved in is designed to help you become more evolved, so you can reach your goals in life.  If companionship is one of your goals, then complete the suggestions below to improve on yourself, so you will attract the type of relationship you want.
     
1.  Look back over your adult life and name the significant relationships that you have had.  Write them down.

2.  Beside each relationship, identify the good things about these men, the value of the time spent with them, what you were looking for and the things that you learned from the relationship.

3. Identify the Deficits in your own character that the relationship exposed, the problems you had as a result of your own conditioning and background, and what part you played in the relationship ending.

4.  Knowing what you know now, what would you have done differently in each situation?

5.  End this exercise by silently thanking each relationship for furthering your understanding and growth and thanking yourself for learning what you needed to learn from each one.

It can be useful to study and track where you have come from and how you have evolved into a person who is better able to relate to a partner and more importantly with yourself. (See information your attitude toward men in the about men section.) Without a good connection with the deepest most essential part of our being, relating to others can be problematic. When you know for sure that you are complete whole lovable and loved, you won't need to get reinforcement from others.      






Getting the Right Man for You 
If you are constantly ending up with men that do not treat you the way you deserve, it may be because you need to check your standards, self-esteem, and confidence level.  When things do not work out in the relationship, do not blame the man, he is who is and had you had a certain level of standards, you would have respected yourself enough to expect someone to treat you, well.   Keep in mind that we reap what we sow or we attract who we are, not who we want.  So, what's the key?  The key is to identify the kind of man you want, in writing, and then to honestly take a look at yourself and ask the hard questions.  Would you like to date you, if you were a man?  Are you ready to handle the type of man you described?  Keep in mind getting the right man for you is not about having someone to provide for you, but it is about finding that man you are compatible with, so you can meet each other's needs.  If it sounds like all the fingers are pointed towards you, you are right.  A sharp woman can always find a super sharp man.  Now, you have your answer, assess you and your assets.  What do you have to offer a man?  Keep in mind that the object of the game is to be like the woman in the Bible in Proverbs 31:10-31.  Although, you do not have to be perfect, you must be aware of your habits.  Self-awareness is a very powerful cure for destructive habits, so get rid of any negative voices you have in your head about men or any particular man.  Start treating yourself with respect and kindness and tap into God's word to strengthen your faith.  Then, work on being the best you that you know how to be and learn that which don't know.  Find positive role models who are living the kind of lifestyle you wand to live, and ask them questions.  Be open to learning and you will grow and rest assure that the right man for you will come along and you will live happily ever after.                        


10 Important Keys to Keep in Mind When Dating

1.  Don't talk about yourself the whole night.
The objective in dating is to get to know each other, not to sell yourself to the man.  We often want our date to know how great we are, but lighten up and have fun, especially if this is a first date.  If he wants to do all the talking, respond where appropriate.  Usually, if either party is too talkative, the other will be bored and realize that they may be out with someone who is self-absorbed or extremely nervous.  Use your judgement to decide which is which and if you ever want to go out on a date with that person again.

2.  Look for compatibility, but also be aware of strengths and weaknesses that aren't the same as yours. 
When you date someone, you almost instantly notice what the two of you have in common.  The compatible characteristics is often what is used as a basis to either go on a second date or start a relationship.  Looking for compatibility is okay, but listen and watch for how you may compliment one another.  His short comings may be your strengths and vice-versa.  Sometimes we frown on someone who is different from us in certain ways and we dismiss them as not the one.  Do not be so fast to let him go.  Take some time to get to know him, just to be sure you are not letting go of your future mate.  

3.  Let the person you are dating know that you think that there is no one like them.
So you have had some nightmare dates, who hasn't?  You may have even had some relationships that were like the nightmare that never ended.  Be careful, not to spend your evenings talking about past relationships.  No matter whose fault it was that your previous relationships did not work out.  Let the past be just that, the past.  Be into the guy you are with and do your best not to talk about anything negative.  Ask about him, learn about him and find something genuine to compliment him on.   

4.  Remember your date's name and use it a lot.
Nothing makes a person feel as special as hearing their own name and it will let him know you are into the time you are spending with him on that evening.

5.  Discuss important issues on your date, in addition to the latest movie.
Talking about the latest movie can be fun, but be careful not to spend too much time on the subject.  Spending too much time on the movie subject can lead to a boring and somewhat shallow date.  Shallow in the sense that your time spent together may lead to you learning nothing significant about your date.  Do not waste a night together going over the movies, especially if it might lead to the "don't likes"  You know, "I don't like this or I don't like that."  You date may begin to think that you are negative or that you may be hard to get along with, so be careful.  Discuss more important issues.  When you discuss important issues, you will learn a lot about each other, such as, what your individual beliefs are and if you can live with each other's beliefs.
 
6.  Do not try to change him on the first night or ever.  
The reason you date is to find someone you are compatible with and who compliments you and who you can eventually fall in love with and build a happy relationship with over time.   Stay away from the "you shoulds...or you shouldn'ts."  You know, "You shouldn't eat that it's bad for you."  Or  "You should work on speaking clearer."  It is not your place to change anyone.  Take the time to learn about your date, then date him again, until you make a decision as to if you want to take the relationship any further.  Remember, whoever you end up with will need your acceptance, faults and all and your encouragement.    

7.  Stay away from astrology.     
Besides, "What's your sign?" is such a cliche' and when was the last time somebody's mother's back broke because they stepped on a crack.  Your goal is to find out if you are spiritually connected and compatible in other areas of your life.  Do not make the mistake of putting your date in an undeserved box on the first date.  Superstitions can really lead you down the wrong path.

8.  Always be yourself.    
Do not pretend to be someone you're not.  Eventually, he will find out your real personality, if there is a second date.  You are special and unique.  It is okay to let your light shine and if he does not like you for who you are, some other great guy will.

9.  Stay away from self-righteous behavior.
You don't always have to be right.  You don't have to cower down, if you feel your right, but stay away from a self-righteous attitude.  It is an unattractive quality in a woman or a man.

10.  No sex on the first date.
It does not matter if you have not had sex for 8 years, do not have sex on the first date.  Having sex on the first date shows you place no value on yourself and that you will settle for anything.  Chances are if you have sex on the first date, he will not be back and if he does come back, it will only be for a "booty call".  You will make a great stand-by girl, when he can't get anyone else.   


The Most Important Keys to Successfully Dating
1.  Self-confidence is one of the most important factors in successful dating.
    a.  If you want to know what type of energy you are putting out, look at the qualities in the last long term relationship you had.  You attracted him.  Someone else may think he's great, but if you did not take a look at you.  Caution:  There may not be anything wrong with you, but it is important to always do your best to take an honest look at your personality.  If you discover something you don't like, make the adjustment as soon as possible.  

2.  Look sharp from top to bottom.
     a.  Always dress for dating success.  You do  not have to spend a fortune to look good, there are several stores where you can shop on a budget.  
     b.  Part of looking sharp is flashing a smile that's memorable.  Clean teeth and maybe even teeth that have been whitened are always the order of the day.  
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How to Insure There is no Second Date     

If you want him to call you again after the first date, be sure not to do any of the following: 
    1.  Show excessive anger or be short tempered
    2.  Rudeness will definitely not get you a second call.  Be nice to everyone, even the waitress, his mother may have been one.
    3.  Be sure not to be self-absorbed. 
    4.  Expecting him to solve your problems.  i.e.:  if you are a single mom whining about all the problems you are facing with
         motherhood.  Remember, he took you out to have a good time.
    5.  Constantly feeling sorry for yourself or playing the victim.  (i.e.: whining about the job.)
    6.  Showing lots of insecurities
    7.  Being Jealous.  If he looks at a woman who is walking by, do not make a big deal about it.  This is your first date.  If you are
         confident, you can certainly shift his attention back to you.  Besides. if he is staring at another woman, think fast, because you
         are doing something wrong.
    8.  Having sex too soon.
    9.  Not being yourself.
    10.Swearing.  Even if the man swears, he really wants a woman who does not have a foul mouth.  Of course, if he swears you
         may not want a second date.  

Getting to the Second Date

Getting him to ask you out again may be easier than you think.  There are things you can do, but above all things there are some pertinent keys that will clear the way for him to want to ask you out again.  Keep in mind that no matter how many tips we give you, nothing can overcome chemistry or the lack of chemistry between two people, so here goes:  

The main key:  Be an excellent listener.  What is an excellent listener?  When he is talking:
     - do not interrupt or over talk him
     - do not take over the conversation
     - do not judge his conversation         
     - ask questions to show interest, but be genuine
     - listen to his dreams and don't criticize
     - be involved in the conversation without being overbearing


                                                                                                                                                            

Is it Okay to Pursue Him?

"A man who findeth a wife, findeth a good thing and obtaineth favor of the Lord."  Proverbs 18:22

It's okay to put yourself in the line of fire, but being too aggressive is not the best way to get a man of quality.  Of course, there are exceptions to every rule, but we are dealing with the rule, not exceptions.  Although, many women believe that times have changed; they have not changed that much.

Chasing a man does not mean you won't get him, but the object of the game is to keep him and develop a long lasting, meaningful, loving relationship.  It is okay to put yourself in the line of fire, but being too aggressive is unattractive.  Some women may say, it sends a message that says, "I know what I want and I am not afraid to go for it.  It shows I am confident."  That is one school of thought.  Of course, it also sends messages of desperation and low self-esteem.  That's right, it says, "I can't get a man unless I go after one, because none of them will want me enough to pursue me."  Not to mention, that behavior comes across as just a bit, too controlling.  True love is the kind of thing that is supposed to just happen.  The bottomline is, let him make the first move.  Men are built to chase.  Here are a few scenarios, read each one and give your answer.  There are extra tips at the end of each scenario.  You may want to write in your journal and record some of the mistakes you have made when trying to get a guy's attention and how you will do things differently.  This is all about awareness, so you can make adjustments where neccessary:

    1.  You're at a friend's house party.  You strike up a conversation with a guy, he interrupts the conversation to get you and himself a drink.  You both resume the conversation and talk a few minutes more.  He finally says, he is going to say hello to a friend he has noticed across the room.  He leaves you and you notice that his friend he is talking to is a male.
You feel like you guys were bonding, but as the night goes on, he does not make his way back to you.  Should you...
        a.   make your way back to him, to strike up another conversation, so he can get have another opportunity to ask for your number.
        b.  ask the hostess of the party for his number, so you can call him and ask if you can get together and finish your conversation.
        c.  Consider the episode a casual conversation, keep your options open for your prince charming, and move on.
If you chose C, you are right.  Tip:   If he wants you, he will find you.  Men are very resourceful and they know how to find you.  As mentioned in letter B, if you can call the hostess for his number, he can do the same thing.  Besides, if he was that hot and bother for you, he would not let you get away.  

2.  You are at a coffee shop the line is long, so you strike up a conversation with the guy behind you.  The conversation is going great.  He is a businessman, and he gives you his business card and you give him yours.  Just before you part, he says, 'he will give you a call'.  More than a week goes by and you don't hear anything from him.  You think he was nice, you have been thinking about him, and you think if you two could spend some more time together, some romantic magic could happen.  You think:
    a.  you guys had a great conversation and since you have his card, also, you decide to call him.
    b.  you will keep going to the coffee shop in the hopes that you will see him again.
    c.  you will move on with your life, keep living and having fun and whomever you're meant to meet and be with will come along.
Once again, the answer is C.  Tip:  He may call you in the future, but if not, definitely move on.  Going back to the same coffee shop over and over for something other than coffee is just you being desperate and be aware of the message you are sending yourself.  You are saying that you don't think you are attractive enough to attract more than one man.  Get real.  If you have been taking care of yourself and your self-esteem is intact, you will have your pick of the liter.

3.  You go out on a date and have a wonderful time.  Your date left you with the impression that he had a wonderful time with you and that he even likes you, but a week has passed and you have not heard from him in a week.  You:
    a.  call and leave a message on his phone thanking him when you think he is not home, so he will just get your voice mail.
    b.  you call or e-mail him and invite him out.
    c.  focus on something else to do or someone else to hang out with and if he calls, great, if not,keep living life.  
You guessed it, the answer is C.  Tip:  Dating is all about finding the one that you can develop a long meaningful relationship with, so stay loose.  Do not get so attached after just one date. Take it slow, until you get to know the guy.  Maybe that's why he didn't call back, men can sense desperation in a woman.  Do not be so anxious to get a man.  They should be more excited about pursuing you. 


Getting Him to Notice You
 
You might consider this old school thinking, but after getting the opinion of several men, the conclusion is that it is better if the man notices you and asks you out.  A man wants to be a man and it is apart of his nature to pursue the woman, but what if the man doesn't notice you and you want him to?   There is not a rule that says you can not put yourself out there.  Here are a few tips:

1.  Get his attention with a  prop - Wear a t-shirt of your favorite sports team.  Even if he is not interested in that team it does send a message that you are the kind of girl who likes sports.  Just make sure you are the kind of girl who likes sports and even if you don't like sports, learn to.  Once you know the rules of the game, you may find sports interesting.  If he lives in your neighborhood walk your dog around the same time he is walking.  You get the picture...right? You can also get t-shirts that have a slogan that could be a conversation piece. Create your own slogan or get one that already exists.  Click here for ideas.   Remember to keep it classy not trashy.  You want to attract a guy who has style, class, and respect.    

2.  Get out of the house - To be noticed, you have got to be where he is or where you can be noticed by a man you might find appealing.  Many women say that they have asked God to send them a man.  He will answer, if asked, but you have to do your part.  Sitting at home waiting for one to ring your doorbell may not be the best way to achieve your goal.  Go to the fitness centers around town, participate in church, house parties, visit friends, travel, take night or weekend classes, and join a dating service. (Joining a dating service is not the same as asking a guy out.  It is simply letting him know that you are available.)

3.  Spark up a spontaneous conversation - If you see a guy you think you would like to meet.  Start a conversation with him.  Talk as long as he would like, but let him ask you out.  If he does not ask you out, then move on.

4.  Make him feel important - If you are in a setting where the opportunity presents itself for you to compliment him on something he has done (i.e., just finished a great speech), do so.  Ask questions and show interest and he will feel important.  Look for other situations where you can make him feel important (repairman who may be single and has just fixed something for you.).  A little honest flattery is good, also, but be careful what you compliment him on.  Do not go on about his material possessions, such as how nice his car looks, he may get the impression that you are a "gold digger", even if you are not.

                
                                   
      
      

                          All About Love
Everyone wants to be loved by someone.  The key to receiving love is to give it.  It is as simple as that, but to give love we must know what it is.  Love is not to be confused with romance, i.e.:  receiving flowers, love notes, or terms of endearments.  Love can best be described by a passage found in the New American Standard Bible, (1 Corinthians 13: 4-5)  "Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; does not seek it's own, is not provoked, does not take into account the wrongs suffered."   That sounds like a tall order, and yes it does take work to achieve that mindset, but it is possible.  Below are some keys to help you create the proper mindset:

1.  Honesty, Integrity, and Truth - Never use honesty as an excuse to be judgemental.

2.  Acceptance, Tolerance, and Patience - Letting go of judgement will help you establish acceptance.  Nobody's perfect.  Learn to be flexible, patient, and forgiving.

3.  Appreciation, Encouragement, and Acknowledge - Everyone needs to be appreciated.

4.  Presence and Priority - Be available for companionship, conversation and affection.

5.  Flexibility and Freedom - Everyone needs some autonomy within the relationship.

6.  Kindness and Affection -  Affection is the tender and loving expression that creates a real communion between two souls.  A touch, a kiss, a caress, __all are little signs of affection.  It only takes a moment to share a sweet sentiment.

7.  Forgiveness -  Human beings make mistakes.

When you can begin to develop some of the characteristics above, the foundation will be set for a nuturing relationship that will include, respect, reciprocity, and real communication, which will definitely establish the right tone for true and long lasting love.